MaryB and the City

Pancakes.

Relationships, all of them, take work. Regular maintenance. Somedays the ride is smooth sailing, while others…well, not so much.

Mr. Big and I have reached [to borrow from my Airtran pilot], “a cruising altitude of 33,000 feet.” In other words, we’re good. Real good. No registered turbulence. Reclined seats. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

Finally there is a routine, too. He flew to see me. I flew to see him. He flies again soon. The two week intervals are back on track. Albeit our wallets are consequently anorexic in appearance, but our frequent flier miles are progressively obese. We’ve also given ourselves a timeline of 3-6 months to figure out where our final destination will be as far as permanent residence. With so many variables up in the air right now, having some kind of end in sight is reassuring.

I spent Valentine’s Day with him and it was, for lack of a better word, perfect. Quality cuddle time, a walk in the park on a beautiful afternoon, met his fun neighbors, he took me out for sushi and sake, to Sunday brunch, and arranged for us to visit the spellbinding Georgia Aquarium. I cooked two breakfast meals ~ eggs followed by pancakes complete with pink & red sprinkles on top, plus one mighty homemade dinner that could have fed an extended Italian family.

Oh and of course, a batch of cupcakes.

The weekend was organically romantic and comfortably domesticated. Simplicity could be interpreted as boring or uninspiring, but on the contrary, our time together feels cozy, like worn-in pajama pants. We don’t have to necessarily impress each other like a new couple would do, and feel completely unguarded as a pair just being in each other’s presence. The carved out times we spend every other week feels like a forecast to our future.

Sure, the expression Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder could certainly be a catalyst to the extraordinary fondness oozing from our pores. But what I anticipated would be a near impossible experience to foster a long-distance connection while building trust, is far from it. At the risk of sounding like a Folger’s coffee commercial, I am literally catching myself falling more and more in love with him every day.

A plus-side of virtually being the last single lady standing in my peer group to get hitched is that I’ve been super exposed to the realities of [unglamourous] married life. From the 31.5-year-old tuned-in observation deck, I know what to expect. Reality being that once the satin, beaded gown comes off, and honeymoon butterflies simmer down ~ it is just the two of you.

So although I’m acutely aware of what is in store and that day-to-day life may not necessarily look so shiny behind a mortgage loan, a shared wardrobe closet, and delicately merging families…that is OK with me. As Harry famously said to Sally, “…because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

There is a nursery rhyme that says little girls are made of sugar and spice, and everything nice. Existing in a relationship that forces you to truly appreciate the little things and not take each other for granted [particularly from a 450 mile distance]; that is what I will take from this experience. And perhaps I won’t wait until the second week in February to pour heart-shaped decorations over pancakes.

Yin & Yang on Valentine’s Day.

Not everyone is in love with Valentine’s Day; while 50 percent of women think it’s romantic, 61 percent of men say it’s a commercial conspiracy.

The Gift — For 49 percent of men, gift shopping isn’t necessary: they just want sex. And 20 percent of men want nothing at all. For women, 25 percent want a romantic dinner, 14 percent want a thoughtful card, 14 percent want sex, and 12 percent want flowers. And 13 percent of women say they’d be happy with nothing.

While men and women agree that sending flowers to work is thoughtful (71 percent of women and 63 percent of men think so), they disagree about red roses. Fifty-three percent of women said they’re clichéd, but 60 percent of men said they’re classic.

Survey Source: TresSugar

My Funny Valentine.

After all my moaning and groaning about Valentine’s Day including its over-commercialization and cheesy advertising messaging, I ultimately ended up getting my cutthroat soapbox handed to me in a beautifully-wrapped, pink & red bow. I’m not sure what happened this year, but I along with many good friends got the royal treatment from our counterparts.

Mr. Big took my love for mixed martial arts to heart and not only got us tickets to Saturday’s fight event, but managed to nail down ringside seats. When I mentioned the idea to him initially, his reaction was, “Really?? For Valentine’s Day?”

Absofuckinglutely.

It was something I’ve never attended before in person and didn’t want to pass up the chance simply because of its timing, but I also felt like it was the perfect testament to boycott the obnoxious holiday. Not to mention that watching cute, half-naked men roll around isn’t so horrible.

Speaking of anti-sentiments, my roommate did make a good point regarding the forced show-some-love-damn-it day. “No — guys don’t *have to* do something sweet. BUT if he does, that’s great. Really, Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to show the person you love some gratitude.” And that really struck a chord with me. It is easy to get caught up in day-to-day routines, so taking advantage of this particular carved out moment on the calendar maybe does make sense.

To balance out the testosterone-fest my manfriend & I would be experiencing, he also surprised me with a pre-cage throw-down couple’s massage. I literally laughed out loud when I realized the complete opposite ends of the spectrum we’d be partaking in that evening. Yin & Yang, realized. Actually it just occurred to me that we also unintentionally celebrated the Chinese New Year too, as that is from their culture’s philosophy. It is used to describe how seemingly disjunct or opposing forces are interconnected and interdependent in the natural world, giving rise to each other in turn.

I digress. So the weekend was an unexpected success. The two dozen roses, thoughtful bookmark, and yummy Sushi in my belly were all amazingly sweet additional touches to my formerly jaded heart. And who doesn’t love a good card? As a writer, having someone take the time to a) pick out one that specifically speaks to your dynamic and b) craft their feelings in a few succinct words, is just about as good as it gets for me.

Not only did I make it out alive with zero unnecessary disappointments, zero bon-bon binges, and zero complaints, but I was reminded what I love most about the man. After all of those kind gestures, what created major warm and fuzzy feelings inside for me was simply spending quality time together. We can make the most mundane, ordinary situation (a couch & a TV) about as fun as a rollercoaster ride…sitting in the very last cart. I will be forwarding him future medical bills to help fill in my laugh lines.

When all was said and done come Sunday night, we managed to incorporate at least 3 new “inside jokes” into our relationship rolodex, be referred to as “acting like kids” by one observer, and even after many, many years together, got butterflies and missed him once I left the nook. But I guess when you’re lucky enough to have your manfriend double as your bestfriend, caterpillars are bound to rebirth over and over despite the length in time.

Maybe that was the purpose of this Cupid-forsaken event after all: To remember, and embrace, what made us fall in love with each other in the first place.

Ringside romance.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when my fascination for fighting began, but it was at least several years ago. And I recognize that this piece of me completely contradicts all of my traditional girly qualities…no shame there. I guess you could say I’m soft & sweet inside but rough around the exterior edges (ex: I’ll be the girl walking a pit bull in high heels). But there is a very specific, bold line between the kinds of throwdowns I prefer to watch.

Mixed Martial Arts, followed by Boxing. Inside of a ring, with a referee, and judges, and rounds. I will not under any circumstances condone or approve of street fighting. In fact I have zero tolerance for testosterone-filled, macho-man, beat-my-chest, shit-talking, ego-enhancing sucker punches in & out of bars. Those are for loser chumps who were probably the school bully as a kid and are still trying to prove themselves as adults.

What I respect and appreciate are professionals who have dedicated their lives to training, technique and mastering tough holds, moves, jabs and kicks. Maybe somehow this all stems from being the only young girl growing up in a household full of boys who would wrestle me on a regular basis. Some brothers pick on their sisters through negative nickname calling. Instead, mine practiced WWF moves on me to the likes of Randy Macho Man Savage & Hulk Hogan. I had to hold my own, literally, and managed to become an excellent “wiggler” to remove myself from all kinds of pins. It really is a skill! I have never personally had a fist fight either… but would be (and have been) the first to defend a loved one when necessary, despite my small stature.

Ordering a UFC pay-per-view fight is just as exciting to me as going to a fancy restaurant. While everyone will be dining at two-top tables this weekend around their neighborhood to celebrate Valentine’s Day (including myself) what I’d really prefer to do is sit ringside at a live combat event. I’ve only ever experienced the competitions from a couch.

This morning while driving to work I heard a radio commercial for EFC — Elite Fighting Challenge. I imagine its an amateur league of UFC. Well an event takes place locally tomorrow. I also heard a poll describing how women & men prefer to spend Cupid’s calendar day. The ladies like, in order 1) Getting good love [which I intrepret to mean affection and attention] 2) Intimate dinner for two 3) Roses/flowers. Men like, in order 1) Sex 2) Intimate dinner for two 3) Going out on the town.

Now personally, I am an equal opportunity swooner and would enjoy all of the above. But to truly speak to my heart, frontrow seats to an epic ass beating would definitely take the cake.

Love is like crack.

I’m a very analytical person. Borderline skeptical. Throw a statement at me, and I’ll immediately ask for its reference source. I Heart Facts. All reasons why I previously wanted to be a Reporter with these complementing attributes.

But when it comes to Love, can you even begin to quantify it? Or create a spreadsheet of bulletproof data? Bottle it? Package & consume it from a bright red box of chocolates?

As someone who *loves* solid, scientific stats — uncovering these findings @ The Frisky spoke to my heart.

• Love is like crack. Psychologist Arthur Aron did brain scans on people newly in love and found that these lovebirds exhibited a brain pattern that mimics that of a person who has just taken cocaine. That explains the wacky behaviors of new couples such as excessive energy, losing sleep, euphoric feelings and anxiety and obsession when they’re separated from their beloved. Sounds like we should not allow these people to operate any heavy machinery. [Los Angeles Times]
• Hormones and love. The hormones oxytocin and vasopression are the human bonding hormones released during intimate moments like eye gazing, hugging, and sex. A study done in 2008 linked genetic vasopression levels to marital infidelity and a fear of commitment. Does this mean cheating can be genetic? [Los Angeles Times]
• Love and smell. A new study done by Angeliki Theodoridou at the University of Bristol showed that we could smell the love coursing through someone’s veins. Getting a whiff of someone’s oxytocin can make him or her more attractive to us. See, love is the best perfume. [New Scientist]
• Pheromones. Pheromones are those elusive, odorless chemicals given off in response to sexual stimulation or even romantic feelings. In animals these chemicals attract the opposite sex and inspire mating behavior. Although scientists are still figuring out the human pheromone system, a recent study found that women report that their partners are more loving when they’re ovulating, which indicates the existence of pheromones in our drive to mate. [Time]
• Faces vs. bodies. Another new study confirmed that men and women approach long-term relationships in a similar way—both genders pay way more attention to gorgeous faces than hot bodies. So if you’re looking for a mate, check out the face first.
• Love and sound. A psychology professor studied a tribe in Tanzania and found that the men with the deepest voices had the most children. Some researchers at the University of Albany recently conducted a related study in which they had a sample group of 149 volunteers listen to recordings of men’s and women’s voices and found that people with the most attractive voices often had the most biologically attractive physical features, such as broad shoulders in men and a low waist-to-hip ratio in women. Sounds good to me! [Time]
• False Love. Looks like people who meet during some kind of crisis are much more inclined to believe they’ve found “the one” because of the hormones released. It’s a similar feeling to falling in love under the influence of drugs or alcohol. When hormones and natural opioids get activated in the brain, we start connecting them to the person sitting across the table from us. You may mistakenly attribute your good feeling to a person rather than your brain. So beware. [Time]
• Long-term love. Researchers studied brain scans of couples who claimed to be madly in love after 20-plus years of marriage. It turns out that they exhibited the same brain patterns observed in dopamined-up new couples, only minus the feelings of anxiety. Based on preliminary research, long-lasting love is scientifically present for about 30 percent of married couples in the U.S. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. [Los Angeles Times]
• Failed love. Why is it so hard to get over a breakup? When we get dumped we start to love the person who broke our heart more for a while because our brain’s “love pattern” is still active, according to the author of Why We Love. It takes time for the breakup to sink in. Here’s hoping that someone invents a pill to fix that. [MSN]
• Good relationship, good health. If couples keep on being engaged in bonding behavior (ahem, sex!) with one another, the hormones just keep flowing. And this is great for our health! Happy marriages have long been scientifically linked to lower mortality rates, better immune function, and lower stress levels. Oxytocin and vasopressin have been shown to calm and even suppress pain in our brains. So, if for no other reason, fall in love for your health. [LA Times]

Cupid isn’t stupid?

I started blogging almost 2 years ago, thanks to my former OBF (office boyfriend — the next best thing after a gay boyfriend), Phil. He was a marketing agency colleague turned office lunchmate turned off-the-clock soulmate. Ok fine, maybe that’s a stretch but I’ve always thought very highly of him. Mostly because he’s the only platonic heterosexual guy companion who hasn’t tried to upgrade “with benefits.” Also because he’s painfully hilarious & unconventionally genuine.

We’d spend our hour-long breaks frequenting neighborhood Subway shops, mulling over life & love, while enjoying a toasted $5 menu purchase and a delicious ice cold fountain diet coke. Truthfully, it should have been a reality show series. At one of these afternoon therapeutic interventions, he introduced me to his online banter known as a blog, and without flinching…knew I had to get me one of those. I wasn’t freelance writing at the moment and missed the craft.

Today we’re both employed at separate companies getting paid for creative jobs and have done a B-/C+ job at staying in touch. Most recently we had a 2 month lull which manifested in an accidental game of the silent treatment = pure punishment. Life can zip by and squeezing in a phone call at mutually convenient times can feel like a Rubik’s Cube situation. 

But the thing about having a blog is it allows you to “stay in touch” with friends without even having to talk. Theoretically it’s a brilliant concept, yet has also frequently bitten me in the ass when I hear, “Why did I have to hear about that [information/story/gossip] through your blog?” Doh. Maybe I’ve unknowingly become too reliant on the 1-way messaging system and need to do a better job of remembering digits.

During our catch-up convo earlier, I summoned him for some content inspiration as I’m feeling out of sorts today [which could be a post in and of itself, but have learned to not write under the influence of anger]. “Valentine’s Day, duh.” Touche, except I already posted an anti rant recently…describing my allergy for cheesy, cliche jewelry commercials that run regularly around this time. No lie — even while alone in my home, I literally make a verbal yaking sound every single time one plays. 

The Former OBF then prompts me to read this recent post. [His witty written observations are now featured in a segment called “Things That Make Me a Bad Boyfriend” in the blog Shmitten Kitten].

“Every year, I hear the same tired thing from every girl I talk to who hates Valentine’s Day: ‘I think it’s bullshit that we pick one day a year to celebrate love. I want a guy who will bring me flowers and take me out to a fancy dinner on a random Wednesday, not some cheesy corporate holiday.’ I get what you’re saying here, but here’s the thing: if you’re dating a great dude, he will buy you flowers and take you out to a nice dinner on that random Wednesday AND on Valentine’s Day. If your boyfriend is dialing it in 364 days a year and only treating you like a lady on Valentine’s Day, the problem ISN’T Valentine’s Day… it’s your idiot BOYFRIEND.”

I’ll give the guy some credit, as he clearly is speaking to my type: The Cupid Hater. Actually, correction. I don’t hate the chubby little guy, I am just irritated by how manufactuered the holiday has become. Not to mention how much more pressure it puts on us girls with sidekicks, “Hey what are YOU doing for V-day? Well MY boyfriend/manfriend/husband is doing [insert incredibly romantic gesture here], what is YOURS doing?”

So in honor of Phil’s stop-bitching-about-Valentine’s-Day argument [point taken], I’d like to create a counter post to my previous one. Here is a personal list of the benefits/perks/silverlining that could potentially come from February 14, 2010.

1. A coworker, my boss and/or Mr. Big gift me with chocolate.
2. I get to eat chocolate.
3. My roommate’s manfriend takes her on a surprise out of town trip and I get the bunker to myself.
4. My manfriend gives me anything with a Hallmark logo on it.
5. My manfriend takes me, or a girfriend & I go see the romantic comedy movie Valentine’s Day.
6. Desperate Housewives is a new episode.
7. It doesn’t snow.
8. I lose 10 pounds from a miracle chocolate diet.

Cupid’s Heyday.

As part of my new gig’s responsibilities, I manage all PR efforts for the company. But instead of simply waiting for inquiries to pop up & react, I’ve proactively joined an online group where reporters from around the country send their story ideas and do a mass call-out for credible sources and/or consumers to interview. Simply genius. Apparently the idea started out as a Facebook page and morphed into a 100,000+ following — now it functions as a self-sustaining site. This outlet allows seamless and fast communicate for the media to lock down experts in various fields and simultaneously gives companies near effortless publicity.

I couldn’t help but notice during today’s feed that a large majority of story ideas are dabbling in a particular timely arena.

“Love at First Site Plane Stories” – “Unusual Marriage Proposals” – “Valentine’s Day Gifts for Pets” – “Need Expert to Discuss Desire & Sexuality” – “Amazing Engagements & Proposals” – “Outlandish Wedding Proposals” – “Couple activity ideas for Valentine’s Day” – “Valentine’s Day engagements” and the requests go on and on.

God help me. February 14 is right around the corner. Cupid’s back with vengeance.

Here’s the thing. I love me a solid romantic gesture. Especially when they’re least expected. Especially when they’re original, thoughtful, meaningful and/or sincere. Especially when they’re “just because.” But I cannot stand cheesy, overt television commercials concocted from 10 different jeweler businesses, all depicting a perfect picturesque clip straight out of a movie. I wish, for once, one of these shops would step outside the faux script and show a real, relatable story. Because let’s face it – we’re not dumb enough to believe that *that* is how it really plays out. If there is one thing I’ve learned in marketing to today’s consumers it is that we’re smart cookies, and, we don’t like to be treated like idiots.

The media has managed to saturate our minds with purchase-inducing ideas, brought to you by paying sponsors, in an evil plot disguised by bows to push cash out of our pockets, completely striping away the whole point of its significance. Not to mention giving us gals even more reason(s) to hold our men accountable and open up room for error, and disappointment, if they don’t come through to the likes of these ads. I’d personally rather have a guy surprise me any day of the week with a sweet message, an unexpected homecooked meal, flowers for no reason at all, or an impromptu drive-by ColdStone just for being me, rather than a mechanical agenda pushed by advertising on a predetermined set day.

Those silly 30 second scenes are already terribly obnoxious. And now, leveraging the trusty Valentine holiday will only exacerbate my already extreme levels of nauseousness when it goes to gifting precious metals.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve celebrated the annual occasion many times over since my youth, including the exchange of heart-shaped cards, chocolate truffles, long-stemmed red roses, table-for-2 dinners among other cookie cutter initiatives. But I honor love day in and day out and don’t need a merchandising display to prompt my participation; the for-profit promotions have really gotten out of hand. Nothing feels authentic anymore. What happened to handmade greetings, poems, and personalized sentiments?

While I delicately step off my ruby red Soap Box, let the record show that I am more than happy to claim a Valentine this calendar year. RSVPing to “Singles Awareness Day” is a party I’m happy to miss.