An apple a day keeps the assholes away.
There is nothing I love more than a 3-course meal of delicious irony. Although frankly, sometimes I have a hard time believing that perfectly layered stories unraveling as though scripted by a brilliant screenplay writer aren’t all that coincidental. Maybe it is really just God up there crafting scenes for our amusement to keep us entertained as we navigate the complexities of life.
Weeks before Mr. Ex and I broke up, we discussed seeing a premarital counselor together. Given our history and the state of the [broken] union, enlisting the help of a professional seemed like a smart decision. While in the first few months of our last & final courtship, determining if we could indefinitely be together, we both agreed that the most efficient use of our time would be with a 3rd party, unbiased, relationship expert. They could help guide us in reconciliation, past issues manifesting in the present, and give us communication tools to get through this process.
By the end of the weekly couch sessions, I figured we’d at least have a definitive understanding in either direction [yes we could live happily ever after, or not]. My bottomline was to get to the bottomline as soon as possible. After spending seven years with the guy followed by a one year break, I had no more time to waste.
The fact that I was on the brink of calling my health insurance provider, which kicked in [thanks to my new job] on March 1, only to find out that he was cheating on me, cracks me up. How ridiculous would that have been to invest time, gas money, and squeeze in a crowded counselor’s appointment book…for what? To deceive just one more person in the crossfire of his double life?
So here I am, now medically insured again after a 60 day new employee waiting period, and decided it would be in my best interest to see a counselor, solo. The reasons are limitless, but to name a few – deal with the emotional and mental abuse – help me navigate back into the single ladies seat and not sabotage perfectly good guys because of my trust issues – understand why I even put up with such a reckless relationship for as long as I did – so on and so forth.
I have been a shameless self-help advocate for at least a dozen years. When Dr. Phil and his witty, tell-it-like-it-is bald head first appeared on Oprah before he became main stream, I was hooked. That timeframe was probably the beginning of my journey to self awareness. Now my Crate & Barrel ladder-style bookshelf that leans up against the brick wall in my living room is stuffed with paperbacks crafted by relationship gurus, psychologists/psychiatrists, PhD’s, spiritual guides, academic professors, life coaches, etc. They are highlighted, underlined, flagged and scribbled on.
Earlier today I called the insurance hotline to qualify for an initial set of free appointments. As I was dialing the number, I had a smirk on my face… “To think, just a few short weeks ago I was planning on calling this exact number for a co-appointment with a conartist.” The soft spoken lady on the other end of the line [after compiling my basic stats] asked *the* million dollar question, “So, what is it that you need to see a counselor about?” Dead silence. Quickly, MB, how do you answer this??
The lady continued in lieu of my hesitation, “I’m a therapist and am not trying to be nosey. I’m simply trying to align you with the appropriate person in the area you need counseling in.”
Fair enough. I responded, “In short, I dated someone for about 8 years who was mentally and emotionally abusive and I’d like to sort through the aftermath.” She immediately shot off several questions, none of which pertained to me [Are you in danger? Are you in fear of your life? Are you living with this person? Etc.] No, no, no. She then asked about the actual break-up itself, the ending – literally,how that went down.
I explained a bit more context as to why I made my decision initially to not continue in the “relationship” and how shortly thereafter some extracurricular physical activities behind my back with another female were brought to my attention, which only solidified my termination decision. She matter-of-factly said, “Ok… so I’m going to categorize this case as a ‘power and controlling’ issue. He had the power, controlled your relationship, and only his desires mattered, not yours.” Finished with an encouraging and validating, “Good for you — for getting out.”
Well damn. Yeah, I guess that’s about right.
I’ve got some homework to do as far as choosing the most compatible friend for hire, but I’m happy, and proud of myself, to take the right steps in reconciling with my Self. Just as I diligently & proactively tend to my body through annual & biannual meetings with primary care physicians & their speciality counterparts, I’ll do the same for my inner spirit. No longer will I play the role of his victim. Nor will he indirectly ruin my chance at a healthy, happy future. My dating companions, and ultimately husband, will not have to pay for his debts.
