Insanity.
Part of the 12-step breakup aftermath program is purging reminders of the now Mr. Ex [Editor’s Note: He will no longer maintain the title of Mr. Big moving forward]. Since our last and final round only lasted 3 months, and the fact he barely visited my apartment, there wasn’t a ton of physical items to dispose of.
A special photo from years ago of him wrapping his arms around me that was perched on my dresser, a few stuffed animal monkeys hanging from the ceiling, our NYC trip collateral that I saved as souvenirs, and a toothbrush.
Last night as I was going to bed, I noticed a manilla folder sitting on top of a storage container. It was the custom made portofolio that he had presented during the infamous “change” limo excursion in December. In fact, the contents, time, and thought that went behind putting it together was one of the key factors in deciding to give him one last chance.
Inside was resume quality cardstock paper covered in his handwriting, ranging from a bullet point “priority list” of the specific things he knew would need to be addressed in our reconcilation complete with sub-bullets and examples, the one (1) poem he crafted in the earlier part of our relationship (that I actually asked for — who asks for a love letter?), 2-pages of chronicled ”memories” transcribed from over the years, as well as a 2004 printed email he found that originally came from me…attached with a words of wisdom list written by the Dalai Lama.
During that romantic ride around town while being taken through the materials, this handheld container’s contents blew my mind. I had never seen (literally or metaphorically), in all of our past reunions, the level of thoughtfulness and transparency. And then, to top it off, at the bottom of the 9th inning, close the game with Holier than thou Dalai friggin’ Lama. I was Impressed.
The last few days I’ve had a terrible time trying to connect the dots from his extreme bells & whistles manuvers to almost immediately turning around and having an affair behind my back. Trying to comprehend this only exacerbates my already frigid 7-11 Super XL size brain freeze. Now I come across this infamous seal-dealing presentation and all I could do was grin.
I climbed into bed with the fraudulent folder to amuse myself with some light reading before drifting to sleep. Quick scans through the sheets effected me as much as reviewing my car insurance monthly statement; totally and completely meaningless. Except…when I got to His Holiness. Line, after line, after line made me realize that there is absolutely no way in God’s green earth that when he was copying the words from my original email that he could have actually taken the time to intellectually digest them. He is a living comic. He is the Joker.
Like when you’re reading a book and unknowingly drift off in your subconscious thoughts, then realize you have no idea what the last few paragraphs said, and go back to re-read…that is what he did. Because it is simply impossible that he could have referenced these profound and powerful life laws and be capable of simultaneously stabbing me in the back.
- Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
- When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
- Follow the 3 R’s — Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for all your actions.
- Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
- Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
- When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
- Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
- A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
- In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
- Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
- Approach Love and Cooking with reckless abandon.
Earlier in this post I jokingly mentioned a 12-step breakup program. I find it ironic that there were 11 points on this list.
My final step to round out this list is understanding the definition of Insanity [as written within the real 12-step program for addicts]: Doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.
He didn’t really change afterall. But I did.
