Shut your pie hole.
I’ve recently completed a full month on my new employer’s payroll. All things are a go – except, well, total and complete undermining of my weight loss efforts.
After adopting a solid ten pounds of unnecessary baggage over the course of a 2 month unemployment period with cheap groceries, coupled with overlapping holiday sweets binging, the New Year with a new job brought much-needed hope for my hopeless, ill-fitted jeans.
Four weeks flew by and offered a completely new industry with new jargon to learn and speak, a brand management role which is a brand new repertoire for my resume, not to mention learning a bunch of sophisticated, innovative products – a few that require just shy of a PhD to understand all the ins & outs.
But none of those newbie orientation jitters are as overwhelming or disconcerting as my inability to shed even a single ounce off my frame. I went to the gym at least 5 days a week all of January. I have “mixed up” the routine with a weekly intense spinning class that makes you hallucinate from exhaustion. I’ve incorporated some strength training with weights. I’ve added “running” to my regimen for Pete’s sake! But for the love of all things good, my mother-fing office has to host a wanna be skinny girl’s worst nightmare, at a minimum – twice a week. At my last job for almost four years, I could count on one hand the number of food-based festivities we had on an annual basis. I frowned upon our rather unsociable demeanor, but now I’d take it back in a heartbeat.
Let’s review.
- January 14: Welcome lunch for MaryB, Italian restaurant.
- January 21: Birthday lunch for a colleague, Chinese restaurant.
- January 22: 8am Company-wide meeting, Dunkin Donuts AND brownies.
- January 26: 2-hour new product meeting – to help people not fall asleep, everyone gets Snickers and peanut M&Ms at their seat.
- February 3: Baby shower for a colleague, brownies & a sheet cake – the size that could feed a small nation…the kind that has a ton of icing.
- February 5: SuperBowl appetizer employee contest, junk food & desserts.
- February 8: An employee’s 20th anniversary, sheet cake — the size that could feed a small nation…the kind that has a ton of icing.
HOLY SABOTAGE! I’m losing my freaking mind. Not to mention I’ve also had Mr. Big’s birthday complete with cupcakes, THREE snowed-in weekends where we passed time by cooking and consuming, and finally a SuperBowl “bring your own app” foodfest during my unclocked awake hours. I’m quite confident if I had shown up with a dish straight from the farmer’s market, I’d be voted off the party island.
Unfortunately, I have actively participated in every single one of these aforementioned calorie overload occasions, until today. The sheet cake the size of my desk can suck it. Over the weekend, I angrily decided: Enough is Enough. My mantra has always been that I have willpower…if I’m not around *it*. Meaning I’ll never make a grocery store run for the Edy’s mint chocolate chip double-churned ice cream, but if my roommate has it in stock on our freezer’s shelf, done. Hands down — my drug of choice is sugar, chocolate, and their edible cavity-producing cousins.
What’s ironic to me is, for breakfast I have a well-balanced meal, @ lunch I slowly chomp away on salads, and all day long I munch on apples and pears. Yet, somehow, we turn into them! Literally, we are what we primarily eat?
I know that once I get this access mass off my rump and can fit back into my single digit wardrobe, dabbling in the occasional dessert tray will be a non-issue. But until then, I’m offing these healthy haters by shutting my pie hole and slowing their roll who want to double mine.
