MaryB and the City

Monkey love.

They say that life happens when you’re busy making plans. That life isn’t about the destination, but about the journey. That getting what you go after is success, but liking it while you are getting it is happiness.

Famous quotes of inspiration are plastered across every book shelf, fireplace mantel, and refrigerator magnet in my living quarters, yet, evidently I can’t seem to exercise the meaning beyond written words. I tend to get too caught up in my own neurosis instead of accepting that reality doesn’t always align with my master plan.

I know first hand how precious, and short, life can be. My dear friend Vivi was killed by a drunk driver in a car accident before she was legally able to rent a car. Countless others in my past have been taken earlier than conceivable.

And now, a tiny, precious, innocent baby has left this earth far too soon than any human can comprehend.

It feels like just yesterday, but in fact it was 12 months ago, when my friend since childhood, Christina, told me that she was pregnant. It would be her second son. At the time though, she didn’t know the sex of her child.

I wrote a blog about that conversation a few days later. While extraordinary joy for her blessing was beaming from my body, somehow — without fail — I managed to internalize how my own life and delinquent plan, wasn’t on schedule. How yet another friend was ‘lapping me’ in the game of life. First my friends got hitched, then created offspring, and then some more…all while I stood by watching their lives pass me by.

Despite how much I loathe even the mere thought of pity, in retrospect I threw a party-for-one in its honor. It’s humbling experiences like these that remind me how much more I have to learn. How much more I need to grow.

And now, I sit here tonight with a set of drenched cheeks and bloodshot eyes, after learning that her baby boy Benjamin passed away. He struggled with medical complications…even before leaving the womb. Last December, shortly after she shared with me that they were expecting in the spring — on the same doctor’s appointment when she learned that inside her belly was a little boy — she also learned that he wouldn’t be here for very long once joining us on earth.

My dear friend and her husband struggled to make the “right” decisions. To dig deep and muster up selflessness for the sake of his comfort. They leaned on one another and passed back a torch of strength that never once lost its spark. Not once. (click to see for yourself)

They held onto hope. They followed their hearts. And they enjoyed five months with Benjamin. Benjamin with big, beautiful blue eyes.

It’s hard to explain, but I’ve felt a very special kinship with him. In my heart. Maybe it was the innate compassion that is constantly simmering inside of me. Or maybe it is because his mother is one of the single most magnificent people I’ve ever known. Maybe it was both.

The day that I met him, and held him in my nook, I didn’t want to let him go. I didn’t know how much longer he’d hold on {to me, and to life}, so I stopped for a few moments…and literally breathed in his essence. He wrapped his little legs around me like a monkey. I consciously said to myself in silence, “I never want to forget this moment” so picked up my camera to capture the gift of his Being.

I love monkeys.

Nicholas, his older brother by a little more than two years, had monkey paraphernalia as his newborn bedroom theme. But because Benjamin was projected to not ever make it home from the hospital {and eventually defied all odds} his parents hadn’t even prepared a room for him.

My manfriend, Mr. Big, calls me a monkey in jest… I use my feet like another set of hands. Because of this decade-long association with the species, I’ve taken on a special liking to the animal. We too have a kinship.

With the primate on my mind, I poked around and learned that “Monkey Mind” is a Buddhist term meaning “unsettled; restless; confused.”

And that’s just it. That’s exactly what I am — when it comes to making plans. When it comes to accepting how my unscripted life has unfolded. I don’t have a husband. I haven’t given birth. If those treasured gifts are meant to be, they will be, when it’s meant to be. And in the meantime, I have the greatest gift of all; I’m alive.

Despite how hard it is to understand, I genuinely think that his short stay here was written — that it was meant to be. I’ll never know why, exactly, but his sweet smile and sparkling spirit only graced us for a brief period of time…before moving on to cultivate his soul’s journey.

I’ll miss that little monkey.

Benjamin’s life is not in vain. He left behind a legacy with many people, each message meaningful and translated differently.

My learning is to remember that a restless “monkey mind” does absolutely no good. I’ll remember, and treasure, from this day forward what Benjamin taught me.

Stop. Breathe. Embrace. Let go. Let God.