

I was blessed with baby blues, thanks to relentless recessive genes, along with every family member in my inner and outer DNA circle. As far back as the single digit years, I’ve been wearing glasses to help my lightly tinted but deeply blurred vision. Nearsightedness is all I’ve ever known.
Last night I was told to listen to a song called Gravity. My dear friend recommended that I hear it, given the newly learned circumstances of an 8-year-in-the-making cheating boyfriend who broke my heart over the course of two full American Presidential terms in office.
The person who he had the invitation-only surprise slumber party with behind my back shares a mutual friend of mine, and thanks to the uncanny wonders of Facebook unsolicited messages, pops up on my personal screen’s side column as a suggested addition. [The social media programmers really need to figure out a way to incorporate tact with digital gal-pal matchmaking of ex-lovers]. In any event, my curiosity got the best of me & clicked on the public profile only to see the very same song posted on her wall. I hadn’t yet listened to it and the cosmic yet eerie serendipity of the moment led me to go ahead & hit play.

As I watched the video while paying close attention to the lyrics, my stomach simultaneously went through a meat grinder. I literally felt sick, to think that another woman could feel unprecedented love at the exact same time that I do about this man. That raw realization shook my core through a cyberspace bullet.
Not only were the acoustic melodies like a musical paradise for my sound senses, but the words themselves were a carbon copy reflection of my own heart. The depth of the singer’s despair was palpable. I could virtually taste the unadulterated misery of feeling total and complete vulnerability at the hands of a man.
There aren’t many other songs that have ever accurately depicted my sense of helplessness. However, during those painful 4 minutes, I was mostly consumed with my disgust for unknowingly sharing the same person under the covers while I was preparing to articulate vows for a lifetime commitment together.
I ripped myself off of the computer, knowing that no good could ever come from any interaction, directly or indirectly with him or her from this point forward. I may have shared a deep love, but I was not willing to share a mutual misery too. Archiving that part of my life will be neatly tucked away in the past.
Then this morning, while appreciating the sunshine that has been in hiding for quite sometime behind gloomy clouds, unexpectedly a ray of amazing grace delicately wrapped around me. I realized that the crippling effects and emotionally feeling handcuffed beyond my will was no longer existent. That song resonated how I used to feel for years, but that was not my current reality.
Previously suffocating from missing my best friend would always, always, always lead me back into his arms. The law of attraction on many levels was greater than my will power. His presence alone pumped life back into my lungs. But suddenly, it occurred to me, as if reading from the holy grail in the crevice of my frontal lobe: He is not my air anymore.

In that very moment, the earth slightly shook below my ballet flats. After dedicating so much of my energy into a revolving door relationship, it felt incredibly liberating to finally be set free. I could see… with 20/20 vision. I could breathe…a sigh of relief.
I am no longer defined by a 1-way love. I am no longer stifled by the force of his insurmountable gravity. That is no longer the song of my heart.

“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!”

Intuition is a beautiful thing. That is, when you listen to it.
While in an on-again off-again tumultuous relationship for years and years, instincts would pop up in the form of fire alarms vibrating through my pores. But whenever I would address the situation – ultimately I’d default to believing that my partner was telling the truth. Because, well, that’s what you do. You have faith. You believe. You choose to accept someone’s word is good. Particularly when they find a way to turn it back on you, making you feel guilty for even questioning their credibility, entertaining rumors, and accusing them of not being honest.
One haunting time in the history books I will never forget was over Thanksgiving, while we were at a family dinner gathering together, a compelling conviction manifested in me like poison — “my pictures are down in his bedroom.” I happen to know that his ex-girlfriend had been in town that weekend and “something” told me that she was secretly over without my knowledge… well one way I’d know for sure is if the framed photos of me were missing. When you lie to numerous girls all at the same time and lead them each to believe that only they have your heart, clearly having sentiments displayed that say otherwise hanging on your wall is a no-no. After dinner we dropped off his roommate and while pulling up the driveway, I said I had to use the restroom, when really I just wanted an opportunity to go inside and see if my gut was right. And it was. They were gone.
But like that experience and countless others — excuses, reasons and explanations superseded. There was *always* an out.

And although I would inevitably move forward, relying on an intangible truth, deep down I had hesitation. Deep down I wondered if they really were all lies and I was being played for a fool. My compassion and wanting to believe the best in him clouded my inner judgement.
That is called your intuition. It is a perspective — a sense of knowing something not evident or deducible. Not to mention that mine happens to have an extraordinarily loud volume level, borderline obnoxious. It also has an incredibly high redemption record..sometimes to the point of downright creepy, or just plain psychic. However when you love someone beyond reason and that person mentally manipulates you, it is easy for their amplitude levels of white noise to drown out your own voice of reason.
Calculated lies are sneaky little suckers. Sorta like vodka — it has no taste, smell, or color. Yet such a simple, pure substance can knock you on your ass.

The man who came back to me less than 3 months ago projectile vomiting empty promises, false hopes and ready for marriage proposals, managed to single-handedly sabotage our “relationship.” I put that word in quotes only because I’m fairly certain, technically speaking, that when you are considered a couple, you’re only sharing your life [and bed] with that *one* person.
Mr. Big is not the person I had hoped he could be. Much less just an honorable, decent human being. Back in December when he came back to me asking for a final chance through grandiose gestures, I had said that although our “relationship” closely mimicked the Sex & the City series storyline…I am sensible enough to realize that our lives are not scripted, nor a fairytale. I can now say that not only is our ending a far cry from walking down the aisle and living happily ever after, it is a corny made-for-TV Lifetime movie. Correction, it is worse. How do you cheat on someone, affair-level style, when they’ve JUST claimed you as ‘the one’? How does one relax enough to fall asleep, sleep without experiencing nightmares, and/or wake up and be able to look in the mirror and not burst into flames? Excuse me sir, I couldn’t help but notice your pants are on fire. Liar. Liar.

How does one…wait, sorry. I’m being logical here. When you are such a good liar that you even believe yourself, have no conscious, or sense of integrity, it is probably easy to function in society while not choking on your own deception.
I do not live with regrets. I believe all of our experiences are intended for lessons, and would not take back my last and final round with the person who I loved unconditionally, passionately and selflessly.
I will walk away from this experience having learned that my 6th sense is a God given tool that I need to use and not abuse.
When I reflect back on the last four months, all I see is change. 115 days ago I got laid off from my job. 79 days ago the love of my life came back to me on a horse (ok, in a limo). 53 days ago I reignited my journey to health inside and out. 44 days ago I started a new job in a new industry.
The experiences individually and cumulatively have been overwhelming to say the least. Simultaneously, I’ve also been punishing myself, metaphorically and literally, in several areas.
Pounding my knees against rubber tread in hopes of morphing into a legitimate 10K racer by March, while also shedding holiday weight gain, has been painfully taxing. On Monday I attended the scheduled once-a-week complement to my heel-toe cardio — Spinning class, which is always torture; complete and utter insanity. I measure my success on the amount of sweat that beads off my body…and this week my bucket runneth over. So much so that when I returned to the gym the very next day, I contemplated skipping the standard slow, sedated jog and go for yet another round in the hellacious saddle.

Not only have I been my very own self-appointed Trainer – pushing my limb’s limits and mentally stretching myself, consistently repeating the mantra mind over matter as if brainwashed…but I’ve also emotionally stripped myself, without even realizing it.
See, my heart guides me. In matters of love, I lead through cardiac signals.

As I was driving to the sweat shop last night to be punished yet again, I had a one-on-one meeting with God, asking Him for guidance in my romantic relationship. The journey to determine if a partnership could sustain another rebirth, after multiple resuscitations in the past, has been the Big (double entendre intended) question for the last several months. All I requested was that His answer to my prayer be loud and clear, black and white.
With my special request compiled and sent out into the holy atmosphere, a few minutes later I was speed walking to find a seat & cycle in place, hoping to shed some backseat cushion. But my Nike’s were stopped in their tracks. A herd of women with impeccable postures waiting to enter Yoga class caught my attention. “Hmmm, maybe that is what I need.” Some deep breathing, silent meditation, and balancing my core could do some good.
Although I’m confident the Almighty Creator’s prominent voice could surely overshadow the bloody-murder screaming coming from a Natzi spinning instructor, I was more confident that the odds of a clear message coming through were stronger surrounded by quiet Yogi’s.

About 56 minutes later, the experience was not at all what I hoped for. I was so focused on the soft-spoken, organic-laden teacher lady calling out unfamiliar named poses and positions, while trying not to fall on my face and forcing my eyes to stop staring at skinny mat neighbor’s ridiculously frail frame, that there was literally no time to focus on my own thoughts. It wasn’t until the last few moments when the lights went off and we laid on our backs stretching that I finally got a moment alone with my mind & spirit.
“Love yourself first. Love yourself first. Love yourself first.”
It dawned on me then and there – holistically speaking, that I need to take care of My Self. I focus so much on others, that I lose sight of me. Protecting me. Loving me.
Taking the time to practice Yoga - a much kinder discipline, which is directly translated “to unite” and is something I’ve wanted to do for a very long time… forced me to recognize that I don’t always have to beat my body up. Or deprive my palate.

Just as our bodies are a temple and it is in our best interest to feed them healthfully through nutrition and care for them physically through exercise, I now know, thanks to an answered prayer, that it is time to begin taking care of my strongest, toughest, most sacred muscle of all. My heart.
Like many middle-class American families, mine grew up with a dog to complement our human household. Our first pet joined us in the late 80’s soon after moving to the outskirts of DC; an adorable Boston Terrier named Patty.

That energetic, ambitious young boy would not stay inside our unfenced yard, despite our reprimanding efforts. One fateful afternoon my neighborhood girlfriend knocked on the front door while my nightshift-working nurse mother slept upstairs. Sabrina pointed behind her, “Is that your dog?” I screamed a curse word then immediately retracted it with a more G-rated version, “SHOOT” – while sprinting down the steep front yard hill, to scoop up our beloved doggie lying on the ground, seemingly glued to red-covered pavement. My bloody murder yelp woke mother from her vampire-hours REM sleep and the rest gets a little blurry.
While my parents took over possession of Patty, I continued my sprint, but this time down the block. My brother closest in age to me, the technical “owner” of our dog, was at a friend’s house. I called for him from the sidewalk as he stuck his head out the window. When I told him what had happened, he thought I was kidding. After pleading with him over and over, he finally came downstairs and headed home. The last visual of that experience is of my Mom holding our deceased dog in a wrapped blanket while my father reversed out of the driveway headed to the vet.

We later buried our 4-legged family member in the backyard, and used a makeshift gravestone (slab of rock) to remember his legacy.
That experience from the eyes of a 9-year-old is seared into my memory.
Not too long later, we acquired another Boston, her name was Molly. She lived a long life full of love and became a cornerstone in our hearts. Just as people have quirks, so do canines. She would turn in complete circles, at least 8 times, before lying down in her miniature bed (I never could understand why she did that, but I guess it was the equivalent of us fluffing our pillows). She snored. She dreamed while asleep and made ticks and tremors during naps (I always wondered what her unconscious imagination & visions were about — my guess was an intense game of catch and/or playing with other dogs). When Mom wasn’t around, she rebelled and slept in the nook of our couch. She verbally greeted all of our home’s visitors at the door. As a rather small statured companion, she intellectually believed her height was much larger than her true low-level reality. She once ate an entire stick of butter and massive steak that was thawing while we attended church.

She didn’t care for the snow. She had a love/hate relationship with our next door neighbor’s devil dog. On a few occasions I used her as a scapegoat to sneak out at night during high school (by letting her out to “do her business” but when I opened the door to let her back in, I would not join). She was sweet as pie and showed unconditional affection. Out of character, but protective nonetheless, she nipped (broke skin) on the face of my prom date, just after he popped the question (I was mortified, but what do you expect when you get up close and personal in the grill of a dog who doesn’t know you?)
Old age brought many issues and once her quality of life was irreversibly and inevitably compromised, my parental units had to “put her down.” I was away at college when Molly’s time on earth came to an end, and remember how quiet and cold the house felt during my next several trips back during semester breaks. It is amazing how much a furry creature, that can’t even speak English, impacts and enriches our lives. Although it’s fascinating how owners spoil their pets like royalty, sometimes even better than their own offspring, there is just something about being treated the same – day in and day out – with a smile, with loyalty, and with unspoken love.

Ever since the trusty and reliable wagging tail left our permanent residence, I’ve never felt the same. A pivotal piece has been missing in my adult life – a pet. For more reasons than I have room to list, living conditions just haven’t been conducive to owning one. Refusing to crate for 8+ hours a day has always been the primary hurdle. But now that my career has taken a nosedive directly into the very industry that promotes the strengthening of human-pet relationships, I have access to incredible discounts on innovative, humane pet products, and am even allowed to have a +1 in my cubicle, the desire to have a dog is becoming, has become unbearable.
And no, I refuse to compromise with a cat. Period.
The infamous best of the best dog show, Westminster Kennel Club, is on day two of championship judging. Whereas I’m normally invested in dreadful, train-wreck reality TV episodes and mainstream primetime news magazine shows, the Animal Planet network has wiggled its way into MaryB’s evening lineup. My hope is that education and further exposure will help dilute my manic mood swings for a pup.

Picking a breed that will work for my interests, lifestyle, activity level and space constraints all factor into adoption decisions. Someone recently recommended I get a dog who likes to run, so I can incorporate my own running routine and not have to walk the dog separately. Sounds genius to me.
Here is what I do know:
Providing a loving, comforting, safe space for a shelter-based buddy to become my new best friend is something I’ve wanted to get my paws on for a very long time. At over 30-years-old, I am still not anywhere near ready for the responsibility of bringing a little human into this world. Baby spit-ups and burping can wait, but drool and rawhide bones cannot.
After all my moaning and groaning about Valentine’s Day including its over-commercialization and cheesy advertising messaging, I ultimately ended up getting my cutthroat soapbox handed to me in a beautifully-wrapped, pink & red bow. I’m not sure what happened this year, but I along with many good friends got the royal treatment from our counterparts.
Mr. Big took my love for mixed martial arts to heart and not only got us tickets to Saturday’s fight event, but managed to nail down ringside seats. When I mentioned the idea to him initially, his reaction was, “Really?? For Valentine’s Day?”
Absofuckinglutely.

It was something I’ve never attended before in person and didn’t want to pass up the chance simply because of its timing, but I also felt like it was the perfect testament to boycott the obnoxious holiday. Not to mention that watching cute, half-naked men roll around isn’t so horrible.
Speaking of anti-sentiments, my roommate did make a good point regarding the forced show-some-love-damn-it day. “No — guys don’t *have to* do something sweet. BUT if he does, that’s great. Really, Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to show the person you love some gratitude.” And that really struck a chord with me. It is easy to get caught up in day-to-day routines, so taking advantage of this particular carved out moment on the calendar maybe does make sense.

To balance out the testosterone-fest my manfriend & I would be experiencing, he also surprised me with a pre-cage throw-down couple’s massage. I literally laughed out loud when I realized the complete opposite ends of the spectrum we’d be partaking in that evening. Yin & Yang, realized. Actually it just occurred to me that we also unintentionally celebrated the Chinese New Year too, as that is from their culture’s philosophy. It is used to describe how seemingly disjunct or opposing forces are interconnected and interdependent in the natural world, giving rise to each other in turn.

I digress. So the weekend was an unexpected success. The two dozen roses, thoughtful bookmark, and yummy Sushi in my belly were all amazingly sweet additional touches to my formerly jaded heart. And who doesn’t love a good card? As a writer, having someone take the time to a) pick out one that specifically speaks to your dynamic and b) craft their feelings in a few succinct words, is just about as good as it gets for me.
Not only did I make it out alive with zero unnecessary disappointments, zero bon-bon binges, and zero complaints, but I was reminded what I love most about the man. After all of those kind gestures, what created major warm and fuzzy feelings inside for me was simply spending quality time together. We can make the most mundane, ordinary situation (a couch & a TV) about as fun as a rollercoaster ride…sitting in the very last cart. I will be forwarding him future medical bills to help fill in my laugh lines.

When all was said and done come Sunday night, we managed to incorporate at least 3 new “inside jokes” into our relationship rolodex, be referred to as “acting like kids” by one observer, and even after many, many years together, got butterflies and missed him once I left the nook. But I guess when you’re lucky enough to have your manfriend double as your bestfriend, caterpillars are bound to rebirth over and over despite the length in time.
Maybe that was the purpose of this Cupid-forsaken event after all: To remember, and embrace, what made us fall in love with each other in the first place.
I can’t pinpoint exactly when my fascination for fighting began, but it was at least several years ago. And I recognize that this piece of me completely contradicts all of my traditional girly qualities…no shame there. I guess you could say I’m soft & sweet inside but rough around the exterior edges (ex: I’ll be the girl walking a pit bull in high heels). But there is a very specific, bold line between the kinds of throwdowns I prefer to watch.
Mixed Martial Arts, followed by Boxing. Inside of a ring, with a referee, and judges, and rounds. I will not under any circumstances condone or approve of street fighting. In fact I have zero tolerance for testosterone-filled, macho-man, beat-my-chest, shit-talking, ego-enhancing sucker punches in & out of bars. Those are for loser chumps who were probably the school bully as a kid and are still trying to prove themselves as adults.

What I respect and appreciate are professionals who have dedicated their lives to training, technique and mastering tough holds, moves, jabs and kicks. Maybe somehow this all stems from being the only young girl growing up in a household full of boys who would wrestle me on a regular basis. Some brothers pick on their sisters through negative nickname calling. Instead, mine practiced WWF moves on me to the likes of Randy Macho Man Savage & Hulk Hogan. I had to hold my own, literally, and managed to become an excellent “wiggler” to remove myself from all kinds of pins. It really is a skill! I have never personally had a fist fight either… but would be (and have been) the first to defend a loved one when necessary, despite my small stature.
Ordering a UFC pay-per-view fight is just as exciting to me as going to a fancy restaurant. While everyone will be dining at two-top tables this weekend around their neighborhood to celebrate Valentine’s Day (including myself) what I’d really prefer to do is sit ringside at a live combat event. I’ve only ever experienced the competitions from a couch.

This morning while driving to work I heard a radio commercial for EFC — Elite Fighting Challenge. I imagine its an amateur league of UFC. Well an event takes place locally tomorrow. I also heard a poll describing how women & men prefer to spend Cupid’s calendar day. The ladies like, in order 1) Getting good love [which I intrepret to mean affection and attention] 2) Intimate dinner for two 3) Roses/flowers. Men like, in order 1) Sex 2) Intimate dinner for two 3) Going out on the town.
Now personally, I am an equal opportunity swooner and would enjoy all of the above. But to truly speak to my heart, frontrow seats to an epic ass beating would definitely take the cake.
I’m a very analytical person. Borderline skeptical. Throw a statement at me, and I’ll immediately ask for its reference source. I Heart Facts. All reasons why I previously wanted to be a Reporter with these complementing attributes.
But when it comes to Love, can you even begin to quantify it? Or create a spreadsheet of bulletproof data? Bottle it? Package & consume it from a bright red box of chocolates?

As someone who *loves* solid, scientific stats — uncovering these findings @ The Frisky spoke to my heart.