MaryB and the City

Top 10 list: Mr. Big edition.

MaryBandtheCity.com has featured many “Top 10” lists before. Ironically, Mr. Big was never a part of them, until today. However, it has a twist — he agreed to do a Q&A.

To set the stage, this Tumblr blog has been around for 5 years… and even more than that… if you include an old blog platform I used on Blogger.com for 2 years. In that entire time period, he’s never once written in it, publicly commented on it, or otherwise, until today.

Since this is a unique opportunity, I decided to open it up to readers to add their questions too. But first, here are mine.

Top 10 Q&A:

1). What 3 things did you learn while we were separated over the last year?

1. That building a foundation with someone will not have a perfect starting point. There will ALWAYS be something going on in life that will require us teaming up and solving together.
2. I have spoken much more to the members of my family that are married about what it takes to have a successful partnership. The number of similarities are staggering. Patience, compromise, and creativity are just some of the themes that were common denominators in all of their relationships.
3. Communication is one of the cornerstones of any relationship. This sounds obvious but, in the sense of actually talking through issues and developing resolutions is key as opposed to assuming everyone is a mind reader. I learned the importance of this in other parts of my life over the past year with some challenges that have come my way.

2). You say that you’re ready to settle down now. For real this time. Why now?

I was ready to settle down “for real” when I agreed to move to Baltimore and when you ultimately moved there nearly 2 years ago. I believe that we did not handle the growing pains of a couple living together for the first time appropriately and it unfortunately led to an abrupt end to our relationship. I take my share of the responsibility and wish that I would have taken more time in trying to work through the obstacles that faced us.

3). You admitted that you have a ring. Meanwhile, we joke that (like on Sex & the City), you’ll build me a really big closet. I want it in writing — BIG closet in our future?

With the passion that you and I both share for fashion, I believe it is in our best interest to have a very large closet. I wouldn’t want to sacrifice a spare bedroom or the office for the extension of our closet since I’m pretty sure that I would be the one that would have to slowly migrate to a different section of the house! So, yes…. Big closet will happen.

4). When you dated other women in the last year, but say that you always thought of me and they couldn’t compare…what exactly did they not have or what was missing that I possess?

I always loved the values that you stand by and believe in. You understand the balance of life and never allow yourself to go to one extreme or another. You are the perfect complement to me because I feel that sometimes I may have my head in the clouds and lose sight of what REALLY matters at the end of the day, but you tug on me like a kite that is beginning to pull away. You are the most selfless person I have ever met and it pushes me to be as good of a person as you one day. Lastly, they didn’t possess the intangibles: Our inside jokes, quirkiness, comfortability to name a few. Granted the amount of time that we have shared has something to do with all of that but, it doesn’t make it any less relevant and present.

5). What quirky thing about me do you find endearing?

You 100% get my sense of humor so your quirky ways are endless. Whether it’s your inability to ever tighten the top of any type of container that comes your way [you’re getting better ;)], my having to flip back up the sun visor in any car we ride in because you always fold it down, or how you say the word pillow (pronounced PELL-O to you) it would be impossible for me to choose just one.

6). What do you admire most about me — as a human being and as a partner?

I think I answered this above in what you had versus the other women that I encountered during my “travels” but, I would add that I know that I can trust you 100%. I know that I will never ever have to even think twice about that…… Unless you had my American Express card unsupervised at the mall. ;)

7). What is your biggest regret in regards to our relationship?

My biggest regret is how much stress and hurt our relationship has put you through. I wish that I could change the past, but I know that I cannot. Instead I can take the present and future and be the best partner I know that I can be.

8). What does unconditional love mean to you?

Unconditional love means that no matter what, I will be your cheering section in life. We may not always agree on things, but I know that I will be your rock.

9). This blog has been a source of contention in our relationship, given the lack of privacy in our lives. Nonetheless, you’ve always supported my writing and even relate to Mr. Big in certain ways. What do you relate to and/or like the most about the Mr. Big character?

Well, I certainly cannot argue with the first part of your question. This little blog of yours has become quite a public display of our relationship in recent years. It has been a bit uncomfortable at times and it has also made me feel good other times. 

1. Anonymous female - Virginia: What is your biggest fear? {note: context of question is the present moment in time, regarding relationships}

My biggest fear would probably be the possible lengthy period of time some of our closest friends and family would need to accept who we are as a unit. I want to be clear by saying what others think does not sway what I want in this relationship. I say this because I would hope that their viewpoints and opinions would not detrimentally affect our relationship as whole in any way, shape or form.

2. Anonymous male - New York City: Why do you keep her hanging on? Do you feel like you have grown up now? Is the time really right now? To be ready to love you have to be unselfish in your ability to give. Side note: I’ve noticed, especially in America it seems like the boys have a hard time transitioning into men. Why is this? It must be so frustrating for the women who love them.

After a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh. -Mr. Big

Saving grace.

Never say never.

That’s one lesson I’ve learned.

I’ve also learned to trust my instinct, love myself first, and not worry about people judging me.

Exactly one year ago this month, I moved out of living in Baltimore & living with Mr. Big. He didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear after shacking up for 6 months {and dating for cough cough 10 years}: I’m ready to marry you now.

Nope, he wasn’t ready. And I was. So I left. Without any discussion. The moment those words left his lips was the moment our relationship ended. Done and done.

Since then I’ve dated multiple guys — Piano Man, The Politician, The Cop and reconnected briefly with The Quarterback somewhere inbetween. Every time, I never felt the same connection that I had with my decade-long sidekick. It made me sad inside, real sad. But I chalked it up to the fact we were together for so damn long, there’s no possible way I could have that same dynamic with another person. I told myself that I’d find someone who would be “good enough.” I also thought, after hearing multiple married women tell me this advice, of finding someone who’d love me a “little bit more” than I love him. They said, “it’ll make life easier.”

When Mr. Big told me in January that he was READY, with a ring in his back pocket no less, I didn’t even flinch. No way Jose. *Never* gonna happen. Too little too late my dear. He had his chance, well, several chances actually.

Then our dog Gracie {who I have primary custody of} got sick, really, really sick. During the month-plus episode of canine drama and heartache, we reconnected. He saved her life in a physical form by footing the outrageous medical bills and he saved my life in an emotional form by picking my heart off the floor when I thought she wasn’t going to make it.

Through our conversations and 1-on-1 encounters, I repeatedly reminded him that we couldn’t get back together, “not in this life time.” I didn’t want him to subconsciously think that just because we were back in touch, meant those doors could ever be reopened. As the weeks went on and we continued to chat, I said we couldn’t get back together, “unless, maybe say, our first marriages don’t work and we remarry to each other.” A few more weeks went by and it turned into, “well maybe in a few years, if dating people never pans out into anything more.” Although all along, I honestly did want to get back together with the love of my life, but the risk was too high.

My mind and heart were at war, once again. Shocking, I know. Last week I was still adamant that we couldn’t reconcile. Not now, no way. But because he has consistently stayed in my peripheral vision for the last year, and never wavering on wanting to commit once and for all, the non-decision took an incredible toll on my mental health. As I’ve said before, I couldn’t determine what was worse — him never coming around and feeling like a 1/3 of my life was {in vain} spent with a man who wouldn’t commit to me, or if he finally came around but I couldn’t reciprocate.

So naturally I did what any 33-year-old gal in this position would do, I called my therapist.

After catching her up to speed on what’s transpired since we last spoke over two years ago, and the current conflict I’m struggling with, I was prepared for the Doc to tell me to run, fast, in the opposite direction. At least she could give me a swift kick in the ass and get my head screwed back on track. Instead, she gave me a surprising perspective that never even dawned on me.

“Life is all about timing,” she said. “He has always been following behind you. And now you’re both finally at the same place at the same time, and want the same things.”

She continued, “You have both taken the decision of getting married very seriously. Over the last year you’ve dated other people, had new experiences and lessons. You’ve learned about yourselves some more. You still love, and genuinely like each other. You have a strong friendship and a mutual respect for each other. You grew up together, literally and emotionally. You had the courage to leave Baltimore and not settle, a lot of women would have stayed. And when he wanted to come back, you still didn’t waiver. You have spent a lot of time thinking about this decision. You getting back together is on your terms, and he’s stepping up with a commitment, ready to marry.”

Huh, wow, I never thought about it that way.

“Over the years you two have worked on issues that many people don’t experience until they’re married. And many of those people feel like they can’t be fixed and get a divorce. You two have worked on things before getting married. Many people also spend more time researching a car they want to buy than they do preparing for their marriage. You two…you’ve done a lot of preparing.”

Literally, the only thing I could formulate outloud was, “Wow.” Everything made sense, just like that.

I left the office with a sense of peace that I haven’t felt in a very long time. To me, life happens exactly the way it’s meant to. Maybe that way of thinking is a bunch of bologna to make ourselves feel better, but whatever, it’s what I believe. I also believe things happen at the right time, for a reason…to help us learn life lessons.

Maybe saving Grace was quite literally the catalyst to saving us.

Nothing is written in stone and time will tell where things shake out from here, but I’m happy to say with complete confidence: Never say never.

iwantlouistdippedinmacncheese:

Enjoy Yourself,thats what your 20’s are for.

Your 30’s are for learning the lessons.

And your 40’s are to pay for the drinks.

                                            -Carrie Bradshaw